I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
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That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
channeling her this year
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here