sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
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My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles