GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
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She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
Basketball
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.