[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
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Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
This will teach them to underestimate me
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.