David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
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*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.