Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
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You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.