Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
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Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
Wordle 241 1/6
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Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.