accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
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Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
This a good idea
Rt to bother an English speaker
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
My first child will be named New Folder.
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.