What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
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Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
Camping tip: No.
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher