I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
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Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
The Weeknd is back
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
“what that mouth do?” complain