hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
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Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.