interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
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I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks