*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
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I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”