Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
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Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
bugs when you lift up a rock
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.