I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
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You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS