All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
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7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.