Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
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[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.