CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
You Might Also Like
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
*puts words between two asterisks*
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.