Do furries go to doctors or vets?
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Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
Sticker placement is key.
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?