Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
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Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
Erm I’m gonna say no
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
this FaceApp is creepy af
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!