me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
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My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
scared to check what name she chose
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything