Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
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oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
How do you milk an almond?
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
hmmm
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.