Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
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Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that