I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
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“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
goldfish mafia
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.