The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
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An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????