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Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.