high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
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[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
See..?
.
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.