“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
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Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
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