it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
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That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.