My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
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I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
Nigella has gone too far this time.
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.