aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
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[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer