Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
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I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
They’re the worst 😩
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere