I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
You Might Also Like
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.