me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
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You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.