*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
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Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
No point crayon over spilled milk.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.