did… did they arrest the mountain lions
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My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
how many bears make up a bear minimum
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.