Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
You Might Also Like
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
This woman is my idol. Free her.
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call