8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
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How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*