my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
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I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
favorite tropes as memes
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me: