T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
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Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
Childbirth is so beautiful
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
This kinda thing happens to me often
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
scrabbled eggs
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*