My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
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I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
Jail
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
time machine? you mean a clock?
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.