despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
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her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
look at me when i’m typing to you
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.