My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
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As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
This is always good for a laugh.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently