GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
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My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel