5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
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When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
Black Friday “markdowns” like
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
sounds kinky. i’m in.
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.