Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
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I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that