My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
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Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.