Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
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I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
Feels like there should be a middle ground
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
Pringles
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.