The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
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6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
getting old is fun
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
repaired
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?