Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
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My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t